“Breastfeeding is best for babies up to two years.”

You, too, have heard or seen this before – as a reminder after milk ads on TV or printed on the can of formula alongside a photo of a happy nursing mom. Perhaps, this is why you thought breastfeeding comes naturally to all mothers, and perhaps, this is why you worry that you may not be producing enough milk for your baby.

Yes, breastfeeding has unmatched benefits for babies and moms. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) website, breastfed infants have reduced risks of obesity, asthma, Type 1 diabetes, severe lower respiratory disease, ear infections, Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS), diarrhea or vomiting, and for preterm infants, necrotizing enterocolitis (NEC). In moms, breastfeeding can lower the risk of high blood pressure, Type 2 diabetes, ovarian cancer, and breast cancer. Breastfeeding advocates call it the “gold standard” in infant feeding and nutrition, but giving infant formula to your does not mean you are not a good mom. What will make you a bad mom is not feeding your child.

When Sprout was a newborn, I was adamant against infant formula – partly because I was vaccinated against COVID-19 and hoped to transfer the antibodies to my baby, mainly because I mistakenly thought breastfeeding is the gauge of a mother’s love – that I refused to accept that I had inadequate milk supply. Her nanny and my mom would tell me that the 15 ounces I pumped the previous day was not enough, as my baby was always already hungry by three o’clock. I would insist otherwise since science says babies only need 1 to 1.5 ounces per hour. On my baby’s checkups, the pediatrician would say Sprout’s weight was still below average, but I would convince myself that nothing was wrong because she is hitting her milestones and every baby is different.

Now, I was not wrong: Sprout is hitting her milestones and every baby is different. She never got sick (except once in January, which I suspected was COVID). The main problem though is that I did not enjoy her newborn phase at all. I pumped four times every day at my 8 to 5 to produce a measly ten ounces and four times again through the night to produce another five ounces. That was the maximum I can pump regardless of the model of the breast pump (I have four different models) and size of the flange insert. I did almost everything: drink electrolytes, take galactagogues, try different inserts, and change my diet but my milk supply did not improve. (We do not have lactation consultants or lactation massage services in our province.) I lacked sleep and was constantly stressed – exactly the factors that affect milk production – and my mental health was going down the drain. I even held and inhaled my child’s used clothes whenever I pumped because this supposedly triggered letdown, but maybe I am just not like other moms. I felt like all I did was pump.

Before her tenth month, I decided to finally supplement. She had started solids at six months and I was able to pump less and less milk. It was heartbreaking, watching her enjoy the formula, but at the same time, I heaved a sigh of relief. I am not under constant stress, worrying if she is getting enough. She still nurses at night, but I am getting more sleep. She is eating. She is thriving. And despite that it is not purely my milk anymore, she still loves me.

This is how I understood that giving formula to my child does not take motherhood away from me. Every mom, every postpartum, every circumstance is unique. Whatever your reason is for how you feed your child is valid. Regardless of how you feed your child – whether you are exclusively breastfeeding, exclusively formula feeding, exclusively pumping, or combination feeding – as long as your baby is well-fed, you are a good parent.

Thanks to Nyana Stoica @nyanastoica for making this photo available freely on Unsplash 🎁 https://unsplash.com/photos/ikGJw9SYUuM